Christmas without loved ones

A lot of you who follow my blog and personal Instagram will be aware that in October 2012 we lost my mom to cancer.

 

This year will be the third Christmas without her and it is only now that I feel strong enough to write about how the death of my mom effects not only myself but the rest of my family, my moms friends and my friends.

 

In no way shape or form do I want this to seem as if I'm telling people who are in a similar situation that how I feel/felt is how you should or that how we've coped will definitely work for others. I completely understand that everybody is different when it comes to grief, especially during the time of special occasions such as Christmas.

 

 

 

 

My mom loved Christmas she was obsessed with buying a tonne of new baubles and decorations every year despite us already having 100's of the same colour she'd bought!! Each year she would try to make it as special as she could for me and my brothers and sister even if it meant she had to save a little more money from things she'd treat herself to or if she had to trek around town being extremely ill looking for the gifts that she knew we'd love.

 

 

 

I know that most people will dread Christmas without loved ones for the first year, and I was in that exact same boat along with the rest of my family back in 2012. The second year wasn't much easier either but we all knew it was completely normal and that we were allowed to 'not want Christmas', we were allowed to be upset and we were allowed to forget that it was a family celebration.

 

As hard as it was, we kept Christmas as exciting as we could for the sake of my youngest brother. I would hate to look back on my childhood and to think that Christmas was a sad time. We want Christmas to be as special to my brother as it was for us. Yes, putting on brave faces was extremely tough and no we didn't go all out, but he was so happy and as hard as that was to watch, we knew we were doing the right thing.

 

This year it has been easier so far. We've come to realise that although it will never be the same without mom, she wanted us to live life to the fullest and she would hate the thought of us not doing Christmas properly because she wasn't around.

 

We have put on our brave faces again and we have put the tree up, the lights are up, the shopping is done and the presents are wrapped. We're prepared!! As mom loved Christmas, it would be a shame to not do it because she's not around to experience it with us.

 

 

 

 

People over the past few Christmases have said 'why don't you go away for Christmas?' and at times I've wished that it was possible. The truth is, that it probably wouldn't have been right for us in our situation anyway; it wouldn't have felt like Christmas and it would have felt like we were running away from the situation and that we were hiding the issue of emotions rather than going through them, dealing with them and coming out the other side.

This is not to say that getting away isn't right for other people. For others, especially on the first Christmas, this could do them the world of good. Grief is a horrible thing, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy but sometimes it gets too much to cope with and a break may be what people need.

 

Some people say that talking about loved ones who have died helps on days like Christmas and birthdays. Again this isn't for us as we aren't an openly emotional family, however I speak to my friends about Christmas memories with mom and although I get teary eyed and blub a lot it is a great way of releasing emotions that will be eating away at my happiness.

Some people may choose not to talk about it at all around this time as its too raw. It may be easier to talk about it when there are no special occasions around.

 

I've never been up to my moms grave on Christmas day, in fact I hardly ever go. I don't believe that she's there. My family on the other hand do. My stepdad will go to the grave on Christmas eve, clean it up, lay some new flowers and sit and talk/think for a while; this gives him so much comfort. I know that a lot of people will visit graves on Christmas day and this is fine whether you can or cannot keep your brave face on.

I know some people who take gifts to graves and I've even heard of people pouring their loved one's favourite beverage onto the ground which I think is a brilliant idea!!

 

 

 

 

 

The important thing is that you do what feels right for you and your family. Some people will choose to ignore Christmas and others will go bigger and better in memory of their loved ones both of these ways to get through the festive period are 'allowed'.

 

My thoughts will be with everybody that will be experiencing a Christmas without somebody they love over the next few weeks.