I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was around 19-20 years old. That diagnosis took a long time for me to get and my family and I went through years of hell trying to uncover the reason behind why I was behaving and feeling the way I was.
I've always been what people would call an 'introvert'. As a child I was incredibly shy, I struggled to make friends (although I definitely preferred my own company) and I upset easily. Obviously my parents assumed that this was just a personality trait and didn't read too much into it.
There are so many moments that happened in my early life that have stuck with me and the more I look back on these moments the more I realise that these were the moments that shaped my mental health into what it was and sometimes still is today.
I feel that I've lived with mental health issues my whole life; the signs and symptoms were all there; but the moment that my mental health took control was the morning of September 8th 2008.
I had my first panic attack when I was 16. It was the first day back at school after the summer holidays and my first day as a 6th form student.
Although my school didn't change for this new chapter in my life, my friends were all 6th form students alongside me, and I was used to the routine of education life; something in my head had changed and everything was different.
As I attended a Catholic school, there was always a Mass on the first day back after the summer. It was in this Mass that my mental health went from being stable to very unhealthy.
My mom was due to pick me up at some point during Mass for an appointment and I knew I'd have to leave early. Unfortunately for me, the Mass was held in one of the smallest teaching rooms in the school and I was sat in the middle of a row, right at the back.
I remember vividly feeling uncomfortable from the get go. It wasn't until I started to plan my route for getting out of the room in my head that panic set in.
There wasn't a clear foot way to the door and because I was in the middle of a very cramped row of people, I would have to ask people to move so I could leave. I was adamant that I would cause a scene and everybody would be looking at me.
There wasn't a clear foot way to the door and because I was in the middle of a very cramped row of people, I would have to ask people to move so I could leave. I was adamant that I would cause a scene and everybody would be looking at me.
I panicked. I genuinely thought I was going to die. My heart raced, I began to sweat buckets, my legs shook and my breathing quickened. Thankfully my friend noticed that something wasn't right and made sure that I got out of the situation asap.
From that day on, I wasn't myself. I had multiple panic attacks in a day and the only place I felt safe was at home in my bedroom.
My life quickly spiralled from this point. My mom forcefully took me to school everyday and left me at the gates. I was so scared of being put in a situation where I'd panic that I would wave my mom off and go sit in a park (most of the time in the pouring rain) on my own for the entirety of the day. She knew very well what I was doing, but didn't have the ability to ensure I stayed in lessons.
Ultimately this behaviour meant that I was removed from my A level lessons within school hours and only allowed to partake in my Photography A Level classes that took place after school.
My mood went from fairly stable to a deep dark depression within a matter of days and I couldn't understand why.
I visited my GP with my mom on a number of occasions in the weeks following my mental health decline. I saw at least 4 GPs; all of which dismissed my mood and behaviour. Most put it down to my teenage hormones and said I would grow out of it, one even accused me of being a liar.
It wasn't until one GP took me seriously that I was referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service); of course this meant a waiting list of at least 2-3 months. Within this time my behaviour and mood was deteriorating drastically.
My mom had no choice but to find a private therapist or councellor to see me through the months of waiting to get NHS help.
My mom found help and advice from a friend who had family in the psychology industry and could advise on where to look and recommend councellors that suited my age and needs.
I saw a councellor for around 12 weeks having one weekly hour session per week. This cost my mom £50 a session. Many people cannot afford to pay this money and therefore are at risk for weeks on end waiting for NHS help.
NHS help finally came through after months of waiting. I was placed into group therapy with around 5/6 other teens of similar age to myself. This form of therapy was disastrous for my mental health. Within weeks we were feeding off each others negative mood and thrived off the competition of who was the most f*cked up. We spoke about what had happened within the days between sessions and discussions regularly became focused on suicide, eating disorders and self harm. It was the discussions within this group that led me to believe that self harm would help how I felt.
Self harm ruled my life for many years after I'd started. It became an addiction. It was something that I had hidden from my family and friends for a long time.
What I didn't realise was that I had been 'technically' self harming for years prior to the more severe side of self harm. There were times that my emotions overwhelmed me so much that I slammed my head into solid walls, pushed on bony areas of my body to inflict pain and pulled at my hair.
This method of 'coping' wasn't something my family and friends agreed with. Nobody wants to see people they love damaging their body. Unfortunately nobody knew what to do to help me and at times reacted in ways that were disastrous to my self esteem and my overall well being.
For years I endured a roller coaster lifestyle full of extreme highs and the deepest lows. My family relationships and friendships suffered, suicidal thoughts became the norm, I willingly damaged my body and I chose to put myself in dangerous situations.
In 2011/2012 I was referred to a local NHS funded psychiatric specialist. It was within my first session with these professionals that I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder). Everything all of a sudden made sense and knowing I had a name for what I was going through meant I could finally get the help and support that I needed.
Over the months post diagnosis, I read a lot about my condition to educate my self and others, I saw a number of specialists, attended therapy specifically for BPD and worked my hardest to ensure that I could get my life into a stable position. I had a weekend job, worked a second job in the evenings as a photographer and surrounded myself with positive people. I managed to complete my Foundation Degree, hold down my jobs, have fairly stable relationships and found tools and methods to help with my lower moments.
Things were relatively good until my moms health started to deteriorate. Obviously due to the circumstances, this was a very hard time for us all as a family. I quit my evening photography job and was sacked from my weekend job due to my depression. I then became a carer for my mom. I spent most days with her, helping her with chores and driving her to appointments. In the evening, I would get a little more time to myself as my stepdad and siblings were home.
After my mom died I experienced severe mental health issues. These issues lead me to drop out of my second uni course and when I re-started 6 months later pulled me into a suicidal state again leading to my dismissal from university.
I was officially jobless, seeking benefits and alone.
It took over a year to find myself in a good place again. I had vowed to banish my self harm addictions, to stop the drinking/partying and gain a full time job. I knew that I was capable of recovery as I had experienced stability over the year before moms death. I wanted to be 'better' and I knew that nobody but myself could do this for me.
I have now been in my current job for 3 years. It hasn't been a smooth sailing route with flowers, puppies and rainbows. There have been times that I have considered quitting and going back to a life of wasting my hours away doing nothing; there have also been times that I have put my job on the line due to sickness levels.
So where am I now? I'm stable. I know there will be times ahead that will be dark and lonely but for now I'm grateful that I feel more like 'myself' and able to live a fairly normal life.
I have found a dose of antidepressant that helps me to control my BPD but also doesn't have too much of an impact on my day to day life.
I have been discharged from the care of the mental health team in my area, but have been assured that it is there when I need it in the future.
Recently, I have applied to become an admin on a Facebook support group for others who have a BPD diagnosis. There is so much information and emotion that only a BPD sufferer can understand and hopefully I'll be able to help others going through the same situations I experience due to BPD myself.
I'm settled in my first serious stable relationship, I have moved into my own place, pay my own bills, own my own dog and continue to push myself out of my comfort zones daily. None of these things I would have ever imagined I'd be capable of doing.
Of course, this isnt my whole mental health story, there have been many years of events and to remember and type all of it up would be boring and next to impossible.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to find out a bit more about my Mental Health journey, there will be a new post every day this week at 11.30am!!
Again, you can find useful links regarding mental health below:
From that day on, I wasn't myself. I had multiple panic attacks in a day and the only place I felt safe was at home in my bedroom.
My life quickly spiralled from this point. My mom forcefully took me to school everyday and left me at the gates. I was so scared of being put in a situation where I'd panic that I would wave my mom off and go sit in a park (most of the time in the pouring rain) on my own for the entirety of the day. She knew very well what I was doing, but didn't have the ability to ensure I stayed in lessons.
Ultimately this behaviour meant that I was removed from my A level lessons within school hours and only allowed to partake in my Photography A Level classes that took place after school.
My mood went from fairly stable to a deep dark depression within a matter of days and I couldn't understand why.
I visited my GP with my mom on a number of occasions in the weeks following my mental health decline. I saw at least 4 GPs; all of which dismissed my mood and behaviour. Most put it down to my teenage hormones and said I would grow out of it, one even accused me of being a liar.
It wasn't until one GP took me seriously that I was referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service); of course this meant a waiting list of at least 2-3 months. Within this time my behaviour and mood was deteriorating drastically.
My mom had no choice but to find a private therapist or councellor to see me through the months of waiting to get NHS help.
My mom found help and advice from a friend who had family in the psychology industry and could advise on where to look and recommend councellors that suited my age and needs.
I saw a councellor for around 12 weeks having one weekly hour session per week. This cost my mom £50 a session. Many people cannot afford to pay this money and therefore are at risk for weeks on end waiting for NHS help.
NHS help finally came through after months of waiting. I was placed into group therapy with around 5/6 other teens of similar age to myself. This form of therapy was disastrous for my mental health. Within weeks we were feeding off each others negative mood and thrived off the competition of who was the most f*cked up. We spoke about what had happened within the days between sessions and discussions regularly became focused on suicide, eating disorders and self harm. It was the discussions within this group that led me to believe that self harm would help how I felt.
Self harm ruled my life for many years after I'd started. It became an addiction. It was something that I had hidden from my family and friends for a long time.
What I didn't realise was that I had been 'technically' self harming for years prior to the more severe side of self harm. There were times that my emotions overwhelmed me so much that I slammed my head into solid walls, pushed on bony areas of my body to inflict pain and pulled at my hair.
This method of 'coping' wasn't something my family and friends agreed with. Nobody wants to see people they love damaging their body. Unfortunately nobody knew what to do to help me and at times reacted in ways that were disastrous to my self esteem and my overall well being.
For years I endured a roller coaster lifestyle full of extreme highs and the deepest lows. My family relationships and friendships suffered, suicidal thoughts became the norm, I willingly damaged my body and I chose to put myself in dangerous situations.
In 2011/2012 I was referred to a local NHS funded psychiatric specialist. It was within my first session with these professionals that I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder). Everything all of a sudden made sense and knowing I had a name for what I was going through meant I could finally get the help and support that I needed.
Over the months post diagnosis, I read a lot about my condition to educate my self and others, I saw a number of specialists, attended therapy specifically for BPD and worked my hardest to ensure that I could get my life into a stable position. I had a weekend job, worked a second job in the evenings as a photographer and surrounded myself with positive people. I managed to complete my Foundation Degree, hold down my jobs, have fairly stable relationships and found tools and methods to help with my lower moments.
Things were relatively good until my moms health started to deteriorate. Obviously due to the circumstances, this was a very hard time for us all as a family. I quit my evening photography job and was sacked from my weekend job due to my depression. I then became a carer for my mom. I spent most days with her, helping her with chores and driving her to appointments. In the evening, I would get a little more time to myself as my stepdad and siblings were home.
After my mom died I experienced severe mental health issues. These issues lead me to drop out of my second uni course and when I re-started 6 months later pulled me into a suicidal state again leading to my dismissal from university.
I was officially jobless, seeking benefits and alone.
It took over a year to find myself in a good place again. I had vowed to banish my self harm addictions, to stop the drinking/partying and gain a full time job. I knew that I was capable of recovery as I had experienced stability over the year before moms death. I wanted to be 'better' and I knew that nobody but myself could do this for me.
I have now been in my current job for 3 years. It hasn't been a smooth sailing route with flowers, puppies and rainbows. There have been times that I have considered quitting and going back to a life of wasting my hours away doing nothing; there have also been times that I have put my job on the line due to sickness levels.
So where am I now? I'm stable. I know there will be times ahead that will be dark and lonely but for now I'm grateful that I feel more like 'myself' and able to live a fairly normal life.
I have found a dose of antidepressant that helps me to control my BPD but also doesn't have too much of an impact on my day to day life.
I have been discharged from the care of the mental health team in my area, but have been assured that it is there when I need it in the future.
Recently, I have applied to become an admin on a Facebook support group for others who have a BPD diagnosis. There is so much information and emotion that only a BPD sufferer can understand and hopefully I'll be able to help others going through the same situations I experience due to BPD myself.
I'm settled in my first serious stable relationship, I have moved into my own place, pay my own bills, own my own dog and continue to push myself out of my comfort zones daily. None of these things I would have ever imagined I'd be capable of doing.
Of course, this isnt my whole mental health story, there have been many years of events and to remember and type all of it up would be boring and next to impossible.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to find out a bit more about my Mental Health journey, there will be a new post every day this week at 11.30am!!
Again, you can find useful links regarding mental health below:
- If you're interested in finding out more about mental health and the different types, symptoms and advice, visit www.mind.org.uk
- For advice and helplines dedicated to your area visit Rethink Mental Illness here.
- The Samaritans have a 24/7 365 days of the year free telephone service for anybody who needs to talk about mental health: 116 123.
- You can find other methods of contacting a service for advice or support here.
- For mental health training and first aid visit MHFA here.
- You can speak to your GP about mental health within working hours. Outside of these hours you can ring 111.
- If your life or lives of others are at immediate risk, please call 999.
Comments
Post a Comment